Rape, Emotional Abuse and Physical assault - I’ve been through it and I want people to know my pain... Today, even if I am going to wash room, I need my mother to go with me. My brothers and sisters say that I have regressed to a 10-year-old. I am taking medications for depression, anxiety, sleeplessness; and regularly visiting psychologist. How long can I self blame? I know, “It was not my fault" Why am I being called “Lucky”? Just because I am not dead from this rape attack? I've lost my pride, self respect and purity. Does my tear mean anything to you? I stutter and stammer as I speak. I suffer from poor mental health, continuing anxiety with a sense of helplessness. I want no relationship with anyone. I feel nervous all the time. You have made me extremely angry and hostile... it makes me fearful and depressed. In my sleep I get disturbances, vivid scary dreams and nightmares. For many hours, I am not able to sleep at all. I try to do self harm, abuse, hurt myself physically. My sense of security and safety is damaged. You have made my world miserable, I see world as a threatening place. I have no desire to interact with anyone, all social activities, groups, gatherings, social visits appear meaningless annoyance to me. I get regular headaches. I feel fatigued. I feel pain in my chest, throat, arms and feet. Sometimes I feel like vomiting... You have given me a fear of being myself, fear of going in crowds or even talking to my own family. I fear of being left alone anywhere, I fear of being touched, I feel suspicious, paranoid about everyone, everywhere and at all times. I've lost my memory, I do not re-call things, even those which happened last week. I feel emotionally battered. Sometimes I do not feel any emotions. I do not wish to live and feel like killing myself, all the time. Feelings of humiliation and shame make me feel helpless and powerless. Why am I responsible for this? |
I have suffered extreme violence from you. I am degraded, humiliated, blamed, cursed, manipulated, and tried to be controlled. This is not a joke or prank. And you say you belong to the cream of society? the protector? and savior? There is no peace or justice or equality or freedom. I have lost the desire to live, to be myself. Broken collar bone, punched in the face, my nose bitten off... Mom says God doesnt want to hurt us. Did He close his eyes then when I cried? Even if God or entire world comes to say sorry, it will not wash away all the pain and hurt you caused and humiliation and the tears you gave me. Why didn't you put a knife in my heart instead? Even a thought of you makes me feel your sin, your unpredictable force that might at any moment break loose and do something terrible to me. In this pain and fear, I want to scream! You tortured me for amusement; You may escape the legal punishments but someday you will burn in hell! My prayers will not go waste. This abuse and pain will cast a shadow on my entire life.... But still, I will survive! It is hard to see light, with so much darkness in my mind. But you, Be ready, I am not digging your grave, but God will. You may have done your best to kill my spirit but I know, God will curse you in His own way! May God heal my mind, my heart... |
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