Some Signs that You’re Getting Old

1) You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
3) You answer a question with, “Humare Zamane me…”
4) The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
5) Your ears are hairier than your head.
6) You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
7) You watch “Weather News.”
8) You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
9)The fastest part of your commute is down your
driveway.
10) You were born somewhere else.
11) You drive to your neighbour hood block party.
12) More than clothes come out of the closets.
13) When you can't schedule a meeting because you must “do lunch."
14) You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
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Case of a Seriously Ill Husband

Husband was seriously ill. Doctor tells wife: “Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in good mood, don’t discuss your problems, no TV serials, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels", If you do this for 1 year, he will be alright!"

On the way home.. Husband: what did the doctor say?
Wife: “No chance for you to survive”
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In an African Safari...
A Lion suddenly bounced on Man's wife.
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
Husband: Yes, Yes. I'm changing the battery of my camera...
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Question: Why do things appear darker when they're wet? Answer: When fabric gets wet, light coming towards it refracts within the water, dispersing the light. In addition, the surface of the water causes incoherent light scattering. The combination of these two effects causes less light to reflect to your eyes and makes the wet fabric appear darker.
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Once a girl and a boy were eating burgers. The boy said to the girl “I need to tell you something!" The girl said “Don't talk to me while I'm eating, when I finish my burger then you can talk."

So when they'd finished eating the girl asked the boy “Now what did you want to say?" The boy said “um, I was going to say that there was a cockroach in your burger!"
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How is a ‘Snail' sronger than an ‘Elephant'?
Answer: A snail carrys his house when a elephant only carrys his trunk.
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Uncle: My little nephew, Do you say a little prayer before you sit down to eat your meals?
Little boy: No Uncle, There’s no need for that, my mum’s a great cook!
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What dog can jump higher than a building?
Any dog, buildings can't jump!
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Pupil: “Sir, would you punish someone for something they didn't do?” Teacher: “Of course not!”
Pupil: “Oh good, because I didn't do my homework.”
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Question: What has teeth but cannot eat?
Answer: A comb.

My lawyer is so great a guy that once when he handled a case he confused everybody so much that the judge got arrested!
---------------------------------------------------A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant it?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:

“Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened: some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
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Young son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of India a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every state, every country, son.
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Smile:- A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
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Pessimist:- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY
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Question: Which is faster Heat or Cold? Explain.
Answer: Heat! Because you can catch a cold!
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Question: If your dog loses his tail, where would you find it?
Answer: In a Retail Store! (Re-Tail)
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If you find any important documents like Driving license, Ration card, Passport, Bank Pass Book, etc., missed by someone, simply put them into any nearby Post Boxes. They will automatically reach the owner.
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Are You Kidding? Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of IIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, “In the neighbour hood of Rs 51,00,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical reimbursement, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red mercedez? The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied,“Yeah, but you started it!”

Think....
Imagine if you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? If it's zero degrees outside today, and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why is it called building when it is already built? If you drop a chameleon in water, will it turn clear? Is it possible to be totally partial? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking slots? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one? If lawyers are debarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow the electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, dry cleaners depressed? Why is it if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? I thought how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
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A conversation between 2 psychiatrists who meet after a long time “You are fine, How am I" ?
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“How long can a person live without brains?"
“I don't know. How old are you?"
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THE JUDGE SHOWS NO CLASS

In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. “You're a school teacher, eh?" he said. “Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a school teacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write “I will not drive through red lights 500 times!”
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Dadaji and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, “Did God make you, Dadaji?" ; “Yes, God made me," Dadaji answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me too?" “Yes, He did," the grand father answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her dadaji, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her dada wondered what she was thinking about.

At last she spoke up. “You know, Dadaji," she said, “God's doing a lot better job lately.”
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Compassion, a prayer ...
Compassion lives in the night and day
Compassion is love's best way
Compassion brings together great and small
Compassion is the light which unites us all.

Compassion is the highest expression of human love, and a keynote of our spiritual evolution. As Compassion flows from our hearts, Balance is gained, and Harmony among opposites is achieved.

Compassion, Balance and Harmony create Freedom and Liberation, and from this place and space Compassion unites us all.

A man needed to call home, but the only pay phone he could find was in use. So, he stood to the side and waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes. Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there holding the phone to his ear but not saying a word.

Ten minutes later, he was still not talking. Fifteen minutes later, he still wasn't talking.
Finally, the waiting man tapped the guy on the shoulder and asked if he could use the phone. “I really won't be long and I really need to make a short, but important call."
“Hold your horses," responded the man using the pay phone, covering the receiver.
“I'm talking to my wife.”
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What runs around a house but doesn't move?
Answer: A fence!
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Do you know why orange juice is so smart?
Answer: It concentrates!
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Two mothers and two daughters go to a pet store and buy three cats. Each female gets her own cat. How is this possible?
Answer: There is a grandmother, a mother, and a daughter.The grandmother is also the mother's mother, so there are 2 daughters and 2 mothers, but only a total of 3 people.
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1) Write down the number of the month you were born
2) Multiply it by 4
3) Add 13
4) Multiply the result by 25
5) Subtract 200
6) Add the day of the month on which you were born
7) Multiply by 2
8) Subtract 40
9) Multiply the result by 50
10) Add the last two digits of the year of your birth
11) Finally, subtract 10,500
Notice anything funny about your answer?
Answer: The result should be your birth month, day, and last two digits of the year. (Source: Internet)